For the past few months, I have been seeking the help of a counselor and have recently been diagnosed with depression. I started my counseling sessions shortly after the loss of our baby and have been going twice a month since then. When I first started going, I thought that this would be a short term thing, that I would get some help going through the greiving process and then be done and ready to move on. My counselor did help me greive, but she has done so much more beyond that. She has finally given a name to what I've been feeling for years, she has diagnosed me with depression.
I find this diagnosis to be good and bad. It's good to finally have a reason for feeling the way that I've felt and hope that now I may be able to feel better. On the other hand, now I feel that I have some sort of label across my forehead and that in a way I am broken. I suppose that goes back to me judging myself harder than I judge others because I would never think twice about it if someone confided in me that they were being treated with depression or any other mood disorder for that matter. I would never feel that they were broken or less than, but that's the way that I feel about myself.
How does this affect me as a mother? I can see both the positive and negative effects on my ability to be a mother to my children. I feel that in some ways, I can be a much better mother to my kids. Being able to know when you need help shows strength and when they are older, I feel that I will be able to share this experience with my kids to show them that admitting you have a problem doesn't make you weak and hopefully if they do find themselves with some of the same symptoms I exhibit, they won't wait 10 years to seek help. Also, I hope that if counseling helps me find different ways of thinking and dealing with my emotions, I will be able to find the best way to ensure that my kids never have to deal with some of the things that I deal with and if they do, I will be able to understand it because the worst part for me has been the feeling of being alone and not having anyone else understand what I am going through.
On the other hand, I feel like in some ways this makes me a bad mother. I want so badly to be that happy-go-lucky mom that is always coming up with new, fun and exciting things to do with their kids, but even when I can come up with these fun ideas, I can never find the energy to do them. I want to be the mom that runs and plays outside with her kids, not the one hiding in her bedroom because she can't seem to stop crying. I don't want to be so irritable that just a simple question can set me off to the point where I'm yelling at my kids. I have a constant feeling of guilt because I want to do better for my kids, which only send me into more of a downward spiral. I want so badly to be the mom that I know I can be, but I feel like I'm carrying a backpack full of bricks trying to walk uphill.
During our last two sessions, my counselor and I have discussed going the medication route. I had thought about it in the past, but didn't know enough about it and didn't like the thought of needing to be medicated. After talking to her the first time about it and letting her explain it further, I gave it a lot more thought during the two week period between sessions and decided that I did want to at least try it. I brought this up during our last session and she asked me a lot of questions to try to get a feel for my symptoms to pass on to the doctor who would be officially diagnosing me and helping me choose a medication. I am now waiting to hear from the doctor about my first appointment and I do still have a lot of reservations, but at this point, I'm willing to try anything that might help. In the past I've self medicated with lots of different things and this time I want to go a healthier route. I'm tired of feeling this way and I'll do anything to be a better mom for my kids.
Saturday, August 6, 2011
Saturday, July 23, 2011
Today I Feel Like...
a step-monster more than a step-mother. I don't know if it's him or me today, but Meyson and I just cannot seem to see eye-to-eye. I started the day hopeful because our morning seemed to be going well, but then right before lunch is when things started to go downhill and fast!
I was getting ready to make something for lunch, when Meyson starts asking for another snack. I said "no" to the first request so he continued with a second, a little more persistent this time.
"Can I have a piece of cheese? Piece of cheese! Piece of cheese! Piece of cheese! Cheese!"
Keep in mind, that constant "pestering" is something that Meyson struggles with on a regular basis, so it's not a new concept for him to know that he shouldn't do it. I sternly told him "no" and when he started to go back to playing, I called him back to have yet another conversation about his repetitive requests.
"What are you supposed to do when someone doesn't answer you right away?"
"Not talk to them" (The answer I was looking for was more along the lines of "not keep asking" but that was close enough for me)
"What are you not supposed to do?"
"I don't know"
"I need a better answer. I know you're smart enough to give me a better answer"
"I don't know" (this time in a whiney voice)
From then on, the last part of the conversation kept repeating itself and each time getting more and more whiney. This is when I sent him to the corner for not giving me an answer and for doing something that he knows that he's not supposed to be doing. That sent him into hysterics. He started screaming, hitting and kicking the walls, and begging me to either take him to his mom's house or let him to go his room. I tried to ignore him because I know that's what I'm "supposed" to do, but I finally hit my breaking point and told him that he could go ahead and go to his room, but that I had a job for him. I gave him a tote and made him put all remaining toys in it. He's already had most of his toys taken away already for bad behavior so there weren't many left.
This, of course, sent him into an even worse tantrum, but he did put the toys in the tote and when I took the toys from his room, I told him to sit on his bed facing the wall. He listened to my command, but not without a fight. The kicking, hitting and screaming started all over again and this time he added in bouncing on the bed. This time I did just ignore him and eventually he ended up wearing himself out and crashing and is still asleep right now. (Thank god!!!)
I am at a complete loss of what to do at this point. I've tried every type of reasonable punishment that I can think of and nothing seems to be working. I'm trying to keep a positive attitude with/about him, but there are some days that I am so tempted to let him get what he wants when he begs to go to his mom's. Maybe tomorrow will be a better day...
I was getting ready to make something for lunch, when Meyson starts asking for another snack. I said "no" to the first request so he continued with a second, a little more persistent this time.
"Can I have a piece of cheese? Piece of cheese! Piece of cheese! Piece of cheese! Cheese!"
Keep in mind, that constant "pestering" is something that Meyson struggles with on a regular basis, so it's not a new concept for him to know that he shouldn't do it. I sternly told him "no" and when he started to go back to playing, I called him back to have yet another conversation about his repetitive requests.
"What are you supposed to do when someone doesn't answer you right away?"
"Not talk to them" (The answer I was looking for was more along the lines of "not keep asking" but that was close enough for me)
"What are you not supposed to do?"
"I don't know"
"I need a better answer. I know you're smart enough to give me a better answer"
"I don't know" (this time in a whiney voice)
From then on, the last part of the conversation kept repeating itself and each time getting more and more whiney. This is when I sent him to the corner for not giving me an answer and for doing something that he knows that he's not supposed to be doing. That sent him into hysterics. He started screaming, hitting and kicking the walls, and begging me to either take him to his mom's house or let him to go his room. I tried to ignore him because I know that's what I'm "supposed" to do, but I finally hit my breaking point and told him that he could go ahead and go to his room, but that I had a job for him. I gave him a tote and made him put all remaining toys in it. He's already had most of his toys taken away already for bad behavior so there weren't many left.
This, of course, sent him into an even worse tantrum, but he did put the toys in the tote and when I took the toys from his room, I told him to sit on his bed facing the wall. He listened to my command, but not without a fight. The kicking, hitting and screaming started all over again and this time he added in bouncing on the bed. This time I did just ignore him and eventually he ended up wearing himself out and crashing and is still asleep right now. (Thank god!!!)
I am at a complete loss of what to do at this point. I've tried every type of reasonable punishment that I can think of and nothing seems to be working. I'm trying to keep a positive attitude with/about him, but there are some days that I am so tempted to let him get what he wants when he begs to go to his mom's. Maybe tomorrow will be a better day...
Monday, July 18, 2011
This Could Be Our Month
I know this is our first cycle TTC, but I have a feeling that we're going to luck out on the first try and my fingers are crossed! This past week I haven't been feeling up to par and this morning when I woke up, it was even worse so just out of curiousity, I started looking online for early pregnany symptoms. It was like reading a story of my life, I was experiencing almost all of them, even some of the uncommon ones: fatigue, diarrhea, sensitivity to smell, cramping, nausea, headaches, backache and increased vaginal discharge. (Sorry if any of those are TMI) I thought that maybe I was just getting some sort of stomach virus, but the sensitivity to smell has me hopeful that these are early pregnancy symptoms. Also, I'm glad that Eric's schedule has him off for the next two days because I can already tell that I'm really going to need him!
Monday, July 11, 2011
The Dreaded Two Week Wait
Today is the last day of my fertile days according to My Monthly Cycles so tonight as soon as the kids are in bed, Eric is getting jumped! ;) lol We've had a lot going on lately and were only able to DTD one other time during my fertile days, so I'm not very hopeful that I will be pregnant this month and I feel like tonight is a one last shot type thing, at least for this month.
Tomorrow I start my first 2WW since my miscarriage, as well as my first 2WW ever since both of my previous pregnancies were unplanned. I'm already starting to get a little excited as well as anxious and nervous. I've never been a patient person and always hate waiting for anything so I know that the next two weeks are going to be torture for me. I'm hoping that the days go by faster than I'm expecting, but if they don't I plan to keep myself busy.
Over the next two weeks, my goal is to get rid of all of the clutter in my house. Since it's summer time and there's lots of warm weather, I'm starting outside and working my way in, getting rid of anything unwanted, unused or just plain junk. Thankfully I have a big trashbin outside because I can see it getting full very quickly over the next couple of weeks. Also, I'm planning to have a yard sale and have set the date for next weekend so hopefully that will eliminate a lot of our clutter as well as put a little extra money in our pockets. :)
On a side note, I believe that I can almost consider Olivia to be completely potty trained. She no longer has accidents during the day, she always tells me when she has to go pee, I've been sending her to bed in panties over the past few days and there have been no accidents at night so far. Our only hurdle at this point is the fact that she doesn't like to poop in the potty. It's like she's afraid to, because she'll tell me that she has to go, but when I take her to the bathroom, she's terrified and this only happens when it's #2. She will hold it and has only been pooping about once a week and it's really painful for her. I feel so bad for her, but feel so helpless because I can't fix it for her. She did poop in the potty the day before yesterday (even though she screamed the whole time) and if she doesn't go today, my grandma gave me some medicine to try for her. I'm crossing my fingers and hoping that it helps!
Tomorrow I start my first 2WW since my miscarriage, as well as my first 2WW ever since both of my previous pregnancies were unplanned. I'm already starting to get a little excited as well as anxious and nervous. I've never been a patient person and always hate waiting for anything so I know that the next two weeks are going to be torture for me. I'm hoping that the days go by faster than I'm expecting, but if they don't I plan to keep myself busy.
Over the next two weeks, my goal is to get rid of all of the clutter in my house. Since it's summer time and there's lots of warm weather, I'm starting outside and working my way in, getting rid of anything unwanted, unused or just plain junk. Thankfully I have a big trashbin outside because I can see it getting full very quickly over the next couple of weeks. Also, I'm planning to have a yard sale and have set the date for next weekend so hopefully that will eliminate a lot of our clutter as well as put a little extra money in our pockets. :)
On a side note, I believe that I can almost consider Olivia to be completely potty trained. She no longer has accidents during the day, she always tells me when she has to go pee, I've been sending her to bed in panties over the past few days and there have been no accidents at night so far. Our only hurdle at this point is the fact that she doesn't like to poop in the potty. It's like she's afraid to, because she'll tell me that she has to go, but when I take her to the bathroom, she's terrified and this only happens when it's #2. She will hold it and has only been pooping about once a week and it's really painful for her. I feel so bad for her, but feel so helpless because I can't fix it for her. She did poop in the potty the day before yesterday (even though she screamed the whole time) and if she doesn't go today, my grandma gave me some medicine to try for her. I'm crossing my fingers and hoping that it helps!
Thursday, July 7, 2011
Sleeping in...
just isn't fun anymore!
This morning was the second morning in a row that everyone in the house slept in until at least 11:00 and I've hated it. I used to long for the days that I would be able to sleep in til noon again, but these past couple mornings have finally made me realize exactly what my parents meant when they used to tell me that I was "sleeping the day away." I feel like most of my day is gone already and there's so much that I'm not going to get done. Also, it's making me temp at a later time than normal so my BT chart is going to be off.
On a positive note, according to my calender on My Monthly Cycles, today starts my most fertile days of this month and since Eric and I both slept in today, we should both have plenty of energy to DTD tonight. ;)
This morning was the second morning in a row that everyone in the house slept in until at least 11:00 and I've hated it. I used to long for the days that I would be able to sleep in til noon again, but these past couple mornings have finally made me realize exactly what my parents meant when they used to tell me that I was "sleeping the day away." I feel like most of my day is gone already and there's so much that I'm not going to get done. Also, it's making me temp at a later time than normal so my BT chart is going to be off.
On a positive note, according to my calender on My Monthly Cycles, today starts my most fertile days of this month and since Eric and I both slept in today, we should both have plenty of energy to DTD tonight. ;)
Tuesday, July 5, 2011
A New Chapter
It's official: We're TTC (trying to conceive) and I couldn't be more excited. :)
Even though I've been pregnant twice (one live birth and one miscarriage), this will be the first time that I've planned a pregnancy. We were originally going to wait until the end of the summer to TTC, but things just feel right now and I know in my heart, that we're ready. Aside from that gut feeling, things are coming together for us in other ways and I feel that now my journey is going to be less stressful.
A big factor for me was our financial stability. I was worried that we wouldn't be able to support another LO (little one), but things are looking up in that department. Eric (my BF) is doing really well at his new job and even got a bonus last Friday (Yay!). Plus, he has decided to continue with his original job that lays off during summer time as well as keep this new job. He's going to be working two jobs so that I am able to stay home like I wanted to. I made the transition from working mom to SAHM (stay-at-home mom) in March and I'm not gonna lie, it hasn't always been easy. Thankfully, Eric was able to find another job quickly and started even before his layoff happened in the summer. Now, he has talked to his bosses at both jobs, and will be able to continue both of them (only one part time so that he's not gone ALL the time).
Another thing that has been in the back of my head is our situation with his son Meyson. According to the custody agreement with Eric's ex, they are to co-parent and each have Meyson equal amounts of time. In reality, for the past three years, we have had him most of the time, which is not a problem. The problem is that his schedule keeps getting more relaxed and there's never set time or day for pick-up or drop-off. I told Eric that I will not bring a new life into a situation with such lack of structure. It already takes a toll on the two kids that are already here and that I will not willingly subject another child to it. Kids need at least some type of schedule so that they know what's going on from day to day. Eric agrees with me and is talking with Meyson's BM (biomom) to get a schedule set that is going to be appropriate and work for both of them.
Something else that wasn't really a deciding factor, but helped a lot to make my decision easier, is Olivia's potty training. When Olivia was born, Meyson was still in diapers/pull ups and it made it a lot harder and more expensive. Luckily, a couple months later, he was potty trained in like a day, but this time I wanted to make sure that Olivia was at least on the right track with her potty training before the baby would be born. Plus, I remember that changing some of Meyson's poopy diapers was hell on my weak stomach during my first trimester!
Finally, the last and probably most important factor in my decision was being healthy both physically and mentally. We experienced a loss in April and I was devastated. It was an unplanned pregnancy and I was only 6 weeks, but still I already loved my baby just as much as I love the kids I have here on earth. It took time and even counseling to help me deal with my loss and I am finally at a place that I feel ready to try for my rainbow baby. And just as I am excited to start trying, I'm also scared that history will repeat itself, which is why I'm doing everything in my power to create a healthy pregnancy. I'm completely changing my diet. I've already cut out caffeine, with the exception of the small amounts in decaf coffee and tea and in chocolate, all in moderation. I'm also working to maintain a healthier weight, switching to whole grains, drinking lots more water, putting more fruits and veggies in my diet and just in general trying to stick to a healthier diet.
I've been charting and keeping track of my cycles and BT (basal temperature) on My Monthly Cycles and according to my calender, this week is my most fertile week of this month. :) I'm making it my goal to DTD (do the deed) at least once a day every day this week (maybe 2 or 3 if I'm feeling extra frisky lol).
Even though I've been pregnant twice (one live birth and one miscarriage), this will be the first time that I've planned a pregnancy. We were originally going to wait until the end of the summer to TTC, but things just feel right now and I know in my heart, that we're ready. Aside from that gut feeling, things are coming together for us in other ways and I feel that now my journey is going to be less stressful.
A big factor for me was our financial stability. I was worried that we wouldn't be able to support another LO (little one), but things are looking up in that department. Eric (my BF) is doing really well at his new job and even got a bonus last Friday (Yay!). Plus, he has decided to continue with his original job that lays off during summer time as well as keep this new job. He's going to be working two jobs so that I am able to stay home like I wanted to. I made the transition from working mom to SAHM (stay-at-home mom) in March and I'm not gonna lie, it hasn't always been easy. Thankfully, Eric was able to find another job quickly and started even before his layoff happened in the summer. Now, he has talked to his bosses at both jobs, and will be able to continue both of them (only one part time so that he's not gone ALL the time).
Another thing that has been in the back of my head is our situation with his son Meyson. According to the custody agreement with Eric's ex, they are to co-parent and each have Meyson equal amounts of time. In reality, for the past three years, we have had him most of the time, which is not a problem. The problem is that his schedule keeps getting more relaxed and there's never set time or day for pick-up or drop-off. I told Eric that I will not bring a new life into a situation with such lack of structure. It already takes a toll on the two kids that are already here and that I will not willingly subject another child to it. Kids need at least some type of schedule so that they know what's going on from day to day. Eric agrees with me and is talking with Meyson's BM (biomom) to get a schedule set that is going to be appropriate and work for both of them.
Something else that wasn't really a deciding factor, but helped a lot to make my decision easier, is Olivia's potty training. When Olivia was born, Meyson was still in diapers/pull ups and it made it a lot harder and more expensive. Luckily, a couple months later, he was potty trained in like a day, but this time I wanted to make sure that Olivia was at least on the right track with her potty training before the baby would be born. Plus, I remember that changing some of Meyson's poopy diapers was hell on my weak stomach during my first trimester!
Finally, the last and probably most important factor in my decision was being healthy both physically and mentally. We experienced a loss in April and I was devastated. It was an unplanned pregnancy and I was only 6 weeks, but still I already loved my baby just as much as I love the kids I have here on earth. It took time and even counseling to help me deal with my loss and I am finally at a place that I feel ready to try for my rainbow baby. And just as I am excited to start trying, I'm also scared that history will repeat itself, which is why I'm doing everything in my power to create a healthy pregnancy. I'm completely changing my diet. I've already cut out caffeine, with the exception of the small amounts in decaf coffee and tea and in chocolate, all in moderation. I'm also working to maintain a healthier weight, switching to whole grains, drinking lots more water, putting more fruits and veggies in my diet and just in general trying to stick to a healthier diet.
I've been charting and keeping track of my cycles and BT (basal temperature) on My Monthly Cycles and according to my calender, this week is my most fertile week of this month. :) I'm making it my goal to DTD (do the deed) at least once a day every day this week (maybe 2 or 3 if I'm feeling extra frisky lol).
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